ACHIN' FOR BACON! NOICE! According to terrified fleeing refugees, the brutally resourceful people of North Korea have once again had to resort to devouring the flesh of their own children in order to survive a horrific famine brought on by a combination of stupidity, hubris, and the cutting off of international aid. Selling human meat has become a bit of a tradition in NK over the last few years, even though anyone caught engaging in the trade faces immediate execution. Nevertheless, one refugee described the scene: "Pieces of 'special' meat are displayed on straw mats for sale. People know where they came from, but they don't talk about it. If a funeral takes place during the day and the burial is performed that evening, the grave may be dug open and the body stolen before morning." But the best part is… with three you get eggroll! So… how'd y'all do on that Test the Nation show last night? Yer old pal Jerky would like to be able to tell you how he did, but he refrained from participating. This is because the idea of having his IQ tested by FOX TV - on a show hosted by Leeza Gibbons - kind of seemed like having Ariel Sharon hold a "Tastiest Bacon" contest at the Wailing Wall. THE DAILY DIRT TOP TEN! TOP TEN WORST TOP TEN LISTS OF ALL TIME! "Our Top Ten goes to eleven." 11. Top Ten Alternative Uses for Used Tampons! 10. Top Ten Historical Disembowelments! 9. Top Ten Most Urine-Contaminated Pools in Fishkill, New Jersey! 8. Top Ten Movies Based on Novels by L. Ron Hubbard! 7. Top Ten Reasons Why She'll Never Fuck you Again! 6. Top Ten Tastiest Shit-Based Recipes! 5. Top Ten Ways to Make a Little Retarded Girl Cry! 4. Top Ten Ugliest Women on Earth! (check out our UGLI-TRON for documentary proof of said ugliness!) 3. Top Ten Most Disgusting Things Accidentally Tasted During Oral Sex! 2. Top Ten Hottest Sexual Encounters your Mother had before Giving Birth to You! 1. Top Ten Reasons Why that Sore Won't Heal! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 10 On this day in the year 1692, Bridget Bishop becomes the first person to be hanged for witchcraft during the Salem Witch Trials. In all, 20 people have their lives cut short by their former friends and neighbors before somebody points out how fucking stupid it is to hang people for no good reason. Who says small town country living is safe?! On this day in 1985, French agents restore a sense of pride to the nation's much maligned military by blowing up and sinking the un-armed Greenpeace boat Rainbow Warrior, off the coast of New Zealand.

THEY SAID IT! "I never imagined for a minute the strip would get so successful. I just thought it would keep me in beer and cigarette money." - Totally undeserving multi-gajillionaire cartoonist Jim Davis discusses his creation, Garfield, the morbidly obese and painfully-unfunny comic-strip cat. Y'know, when he was but a punk, yer old pal Jerky used to fantasize about Marmaduke sneaking up behind Garfield and anally raping him to death. Don't ask... it's a cat thing. *** *** *** "I said you were a man of peace. I want you to know I took immense crap for that." - Believe it or not, your plain-speaking Christian cowboy Preznit George Dubya Bush actually said this to Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, as quoted in The Washington Post, June 3, 2003.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Kim Abbott... An elderly couple is sitting together watching television. During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial. "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Dave On Dope for sending in today's second joke. A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Brent46 sent in today's worst joke. A fly was eating in a restaurant when he called the waiter over. "My food tastes like shit!" he said to the waiter. "Thank you sir! I'll pass your compliments on to the chef."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; Last year, i started dating this girl. Two months into the relationship, she cheats on me with her ex, who is a married man. I find out about this and obviously my ego is shattered. So i got my revenge. I asked to meet with her, she did not know that i contacted him and told him to meet me at the same place, threatening to blow his cover by telling his wife. Anyways they show up at the meeting place, and i crucified them both. I also gave him a broken rib but that is besides the point. i decide at that point to forgive her, and to carry on. However my plan was to make her fall madly in love with me, then i would dump her. this was to show her that she really screwed up, im a pretty cool guy who makes a shit load of money. So i take her on trips to spain, cruise, california, paris. i splurge on her. Now that its a year later, she is really dedicated to me, her life revoves around me and she is just the perfect person. all my family and friends really like her and she is just great. I really dig this chick now.The plan backfired. The question is, Is previous behavior indicative of future behavior or do i actually marry this person because she really is the person i want to marry. Will she cheat again. I'm asking you because u tell it like it is. Signed: Joe... Dear Joe; Upon reading your letter, I was struck by your sad lack of imagination! Have you ever heard of Ronald L. Shanabarger? Now THAT guy knew how to exact vengeance! He got pissed off at his girlfriend because she refused to cut short a vacation she was on in order to come home and help him deal with his father's death. So, pissed, he went to work in order to teach the cold-hearted bitch a lesson. First, he married her. Then, he got her pregnant. Then (and this is where Ron's idiot savant-like talent for vengeance begins to really shine) he helped and comforted her throughout the pregnancy, and was there for the delivery of his son, Tyler. For seven months, Ron helped his wife feed, clean, and change the baby's diapers... until the night he crept into Tyler's room, smothered him with a pillow, and left him there for his mother to find. "Now" the killer must have thought, "she'll know how I felt." It was the perfect crime. The cops called it Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and he would have gotten away with it, if not for the fact that ultimately, Shanabarger was a big pussy. He spilled his guts to the cops because, he said, he was haunted by the sight of his dead son's purple, flattened face. Whoever told this guy revenge was supposed to be pretty?!* *Just in case any members of the species moronicus patheticus have read the preceding satirical piece as an endorsement of infanticide... it wasn't. I was merely trying to point out to Joe that such tenacious clinging to the idea of "settling accounts" is destructive and, ultimately not worth the trouble and heart-ache you'll cost yourself. Capishe?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: A VERY IMPORTANT HEALTH-RELATED MESSAGE Care of: Lenco and Co. The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS). Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of Western Europe, Canada and Australia, following further outbreaks of the disease, which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and boiler suits. A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere like Taiwan or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS, and let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns." The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 500 lives in only six months, which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only kills around 3000 people every single day. Malaria, however, mainly affects only those that speak 'foreign' languages, whereas SARS has made at least one English person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore considered much more serious. The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic portions, with many high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that simply would not do. To contain the spread of SLOPS, anyone who appears to be exhibiting symptoms of SLOPS should be placed under house arrest with no access to TV, internet or newspapers until they regain their sanity. - Lenco [Dude... you shouldn't be giving THEM ideas. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com