BADLUCK #13 GONNA GITCHA HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! Can you imagine answering a knock at the door, only to see some lunatic wearing a black robe and a Chucky mask charging at you with a butcher knife, full speed and screaming, from ten feet away?! And then, by the time you come to your senses and try to slam the door shut, he's already half-way in your house, still screaming and stabbing at you, inflicting deep and serious cuts (which you don't even feel until ten minutes after you finally manage to batter the door shut). Man... you don't expect this kind of bowel-emptying trauma to happen in Madison, Wisconsin, but apparently, it does. Y'all have probably heard this ridiculous story already, but in case you haven't, I'll give a brief re-cap… there's some Muslim woman in the state of Florida by the name of "Sultanna" Freeman who's gone to court to fight for the right to have her driver's license photo taken… with her fucking veil on, if you can believe it. She claims that forcing her to show her face for the ID snapshot violates her religious rights. "I don't unveil... because it would be disobeying my Lord," she told a packed courtroom last week. Well, "Sultanna," if that IS your real name… I guess it's possible that 'obeying your Lord' might be your reason for not wanting your photograph to be included on your driver's license. But isn't it equally as likely that this is just another way for you to sublimate your shame over that 1999 felony conviction on charges that you committed aggravated battery upon your two helpless foster children who had to be taken away from you, you psychotic, shit-distubring slag?! Besides which, your dilema has a far simpler solution... if you don't want to show your face, you don't get a driver's license! And if you don't like it, then maybe you could go to a Muslim nation like Saudi Arabia or Sudan to get your driver's license. What's that you say? They don't ALLOW women to drive in most Muslim nations? Well... I guess you've got some food for thought, there. Whether they meant to or not, the producers of Jim Carrey's monster hit return to comedy Bruce Almighty have made life miserable for dozens and dozens of innocent people across North America, who are now being pestered on a non-stop basis by people calling them up and asking to talk to God. You see, in the movie, there's a scene where God pages Bruce, and the return number on Bruce's pager - 776-2323 - is clearly visible to the moviegoing audience. By failing to use the standard TV/movie "555" telephone prefix, the flick's creators pretty much flooded hundreds of innocent people with calls from people asking to talk to God. Or Bruce, depending. One woman, who works at a dental clinic with the unfortunate number, told reporters: "yesterday it was fun, but today it's getting annoying. I think it's sad. Some of them are serious. Some of them think they will find something here. This is a dental office. We have patients, some of them who need our services for emergencies. I mean, get over it already." Indeed. There are 250 Ronald McDonalds world-wide. Each major market in the U.S. has at least one Ronald, with large cities employing several. Ronalds often have schedulers, chauffeurs and bodyguards. Ronalds make about $40,000 a year, but the Ronald who appears in national commercials earns more than $300,000. Learn more fascinating Ronald McDonald facts here. As part of his ongoing quest to bring you, the Daily Dirt reader, the very best, most clear-cut, and most trust-worthy information available about the current and ongoing crisis, yer old pal Jerky is proud to point out this page about Dick Cheney, prepared by none other than our friends at rotten.com. In my own humble estimation, it is wholly appropriate and utterly indicative of the degraded, dangerous times in which we live that the single most informative and well-written background piece on the nation's vice-preznit is found on a website that otherwise features images of grisly death, horrific injuries and other such edge-play. One tiny complaint, however… the piece goes so far out of its way to be fair to its subject that it neglects to mention the fact that, after only nine months in power, Cheney found himself taking the reins of the very same fascistic and secretive contingency-plan "Shadow Government" in which he has ostensible been a player since the early 1980's. According to the New York Times, November 18, 1991 edition: "Acting outside the Constitution in the early 1980s, a secret federal agency established a line of succession to the presidency to assure continued government in the event of a devastating nuclear attack, current and former United States officials said today." The very short list of 17 names included such well-known partisan idealogues as Richard Helms, Jeane Kirkpatrick, Richard Thornberg, Edwin Meese... and Dick Cheney, who was a mere congressman at the time. Where'd that bald-headed Yale dropout get all that JUICE, one has to wonder? As a companion piece to the above paragraph, here is Preznit Dubya's résumé, put together by our friends at Buzzflash.com.

ON THESE DAYS! June 1 In 1921, this was the day of the Black Wall Street Riots. A prosperous black community in Tulsa, Oklahoma was burned to the ground by a 5000-strong mob of armed white folks, who were enraged that a 100-strong mob of armed black men had convened on City Hall in order to prevent the lynching of a shoe-shine boy accused of raping a white woman (she later admited making up the story). At one point, the city called in bi-planes to air-bomb the community with dynamite, leveling it. Officially, the body-count was 81 (21 whites, 60 blacks), but estimates have ranged as high as 3000 (many records were destroyed during and after the attack), and efforts are underway to examine abandoned mine-shafts in the area, long-believed to have been used as mass graves for hundreds of unaccounted-for blacks. June 2 On this day in 1566, plague-era physician and infamous prophet Nostradamus dies in Salon, France. In the weeks before dying, he has a silver plate engraved, and instructs his family to bury it with him when he dies. One hundred and thirty four years later, two amateur students of the occult decide to ring in the new century by digging up Nostradamus's grave so they can drink wine from his noble skull. They dig for hours, slide the lid off his sarcophagus, and gaze upon his skeleton. Beneath the bony hands folded across the now empty ribcage is the aforementioned silver plate. The braver of the two reaches down and moves the hand, then brings his lantern down to read the inscription: "MDCC." Initials? No… Roman numerals. Seventeen hundred. As in 1700 AD. As in the year in which these two grave robbers then found themselves, presiding over Nostradamus's impromptu exhumation. Yer old pal Jerky isn't sure if that story is technically true or not, but it fucking well should be. June 3 After being arrested on suspicion of having broken into a Florida poolroom, Charles Gideon was put on trial and immediately found guilty... thanks mostly to the fact that he couldn't afford a lawyer. In Florida at the time, that meant he had to defend himself. It also pretty much guaranteed he was jail-bound, mister! Afterwards, while in jail, Gideon made multiple appeals on the grounds that he had a constitutional right to be represented in court by a professional lawyer. Eventually, his case made its way to the Supreme Court of the USA, which declared: "a fair trial cannot be realized if the poor man charged with the crime has to face his accusers without a lawyer to assist him." And that's how, on this day in 1960, the ceaseless whining of one petty theif permanently changed the way the nation's legal system works, for the better... a rare thing indeed!

THEY SAID IT! "If I keep speaking my mind, will I be deported? I'm not very happy with the state of things. Music is being banned, and we have people in control of the radio stations who are the same people in control of the concert halls. They're also tied into the administration and are sponsoring pro-war rallies. It's not good. It's interesting. It's a robust time, probably the most fertile time for the underground and for revolution since Nixon. I'm not talking about political overthrow; I'm talking about just general cultural revolution. Bush has polarised the country and is creating this breeding ground for an opposition. In the next couple of months, they'll probably make it unpatriotic to be Democrat. It's pretty crazy." - It took him a while - maybe it was all those drugs - but seminal 60s counterculture figure and paradoxical Reagan-fan Neil Young is finally starting to come around. *** *** *** "Just as the use of nuclear weapons in Hiroshima and Nagasaki had once been a pointed demonstration of American might to the Soviet Union, so today a blitzkrieg rolling swiftly across Iraq would serve to show the world at large that if the chips are down, the US has, in the last resort, the means to enforce its will. The UN has now provided retrospective sanction to a pre-emptive strike. Its ill-fated predecessor, the League of Nations, at least had the decency to collapse after its charter was serially raped." - Author Tariq Ali brings up many other interesting points in this excellent Outlook India editorial.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Arofer... Q: What's the best part about dating a homeless woman? A: You can drop her off anywhere. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Piper for sending in today's second joke. A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked: "Can you paint?" "Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter." "Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth." It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile. "Did you do a good job?" she asked. "Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY M. Alibhai sent in today's worst joke. Two man were jailed for five years. One was Indian and the other was an African. As they reached the prison they were asked how they will spend their time in the prison. So the Indian said"I'll write a novel about Life In Prison". the African said"I 'll buy TAMPAX so i can be able to go for horse riding and swimming while am in prison.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky my brother that Stitch in Time edition was excellent. I'm looking forward to visiting the Whiskeybar - billmon and lunaville.blogspot in the future. Now, riddle me this 'cause I can't remember - many years ago - prob'ly early 70's there was a controversial band out that did a tune with a revolutionary theme - one of the lyrics went something like "the revolution does not care if Dick finally screwed Jane..." For the life of me I can't recall and the damn thing has been playing in the background of my swelling itchy brain lately. Can ya help me? Thanks pal. Signed: YOPBK Hey bro; You must be thinking of Gil Scott Heron's excellent "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised," a 70's classic that you will find easily using any file-sharing software like Kazaa or iMesh or e-Donkey or WinMX. *** **** *** Jerky; I wrote you a long time ago because I was really upset at a few of your jokes against women. I recently found out I have lung cancer, and was wondering if you want to make amends. I know I do. I had my first round of chemo therapy yesterday for this damn lung cancer. And I am just so sick today, that the only thing I'm trying is to look at family photos, home movies, and read old emails. Just one hopefull and maybe a kind word from you would make my day. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you hate me. Signed: A.B. I don't hate you. It was just e-mail. It meant nothing in the real world. I forgot it before my head hit my pillow that night. I never thought of you again. Now, my prayer for you: In honor of forgiveness - both the giving and the taking - I wish you nothing but the absolute most brightest, healing dawn at the end of this dark night of illness and pain that you are going through, and I hope this dawn comes sooner than you expect, so that it's a wonderful surprise for you. With sincere human love and respect, yer old pal Jerky *** **** *** Dear sirs; When I go into Micro Internet Explorer & type in 'wwwdirtydirt,com/' all I get is the gardenning page. How do I get beautiful real dirty pix? Signed: Sentinellover Jesus fucking Christ.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: KENNEDY, CARNAHAN, WELLSTONE... Care of: Delmax Jerky, The Domestic Black Ops boys have had the ability to knock planes out of the sky since the early 80's. The process was perfected as part of the Navy's EMPRESS (Electro Magnetic Pulse Radiation Experimental Station Simulation) run out of the Top Secret Dahlgren, Va. surface weapons research center south-east of Washington along the banks of the Chesapeake. The "open" program was ostensibly to develop EMP shielding for Navy ships. Local watermen raised hell because the Project's frequent simulated pulses knocked the hell out of all the electronics on their boats. Local opinion holds that the Project was responsible for 'accidentally' knocking down a Department of Energy helicopter that strayed off course while approaching Andrews A.F.B. The project was shut down in the mid 80's due to "environmental concerns" but there was an EMPRESS II which didn't seem to cause the locals any problems. This was probably because they were focused on developing the "shoulder mount directional pulse cannon." - Delmax [Shhh! I think a carnivore might be pointing its magic lantern at us... - Jerky]

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