FILLING IN THE BLANKS As you may or may not have noticed (ahem), yer old pal Jerky has been falling ever farther behind in his quest to keep the flow of Dirts synchronized with the Gregorian calendar. There are, as always, many reasons (by which I mean excuses) for this tardiness. For one thing, there haven't been any substantial new developments for quite a while. All the breaking news about Iraq's freefall towards failed statehood, the White House's covert skullduggery at home and abroad, the ongoing secondary disaster in Katrina's Devastation Zone, and the deadly dance leading up to the nigh-inevitable action against Iran... it all seems like deja-vu to me and you. Still, I figured I should link to some of these stories, if only to get them in the permanent record. After this diuretic discharge, the Dirt will be returning to a more regular schedule, and a more comedy-based format, with important news links thrown in as more of an afterthought. - YOPJ *** **** *** IRAQ IN A NUTSHELL In a recent unsigned editorial, The New York Times declared Iraq to be "a country that America should be ashamed to support, let alone occupy." With upwards of a quarter million innocent people having lost their lives in the vast slaughterhouse that has resulted from quite possibly the single worst foreign policy decision in American history, that statement is both an understatement and an insult. Even when taking into account the day-to-day down-scaling of White House goals for the region, it is now obvious to all but the Truest of True Believers that the mission is a failure, and that it was doomed to fail even before it began. From the beginning, it has been an unbroken chain of diplomatic disasters, culminating in deeply flawed elections that yielded results so inconvenient that the Powers That Be have essentially stepped in and declared them null and void. Meanwhile, on the military side of things, micromanagement meddling from the top has led to such severe mismanagement on the ground that a full-blown mutiny isn't out of the question. So, basically, Iraq is a giant pimple that's coming to a head, and when that sucker pops, we're all gonna get covered in pus. Just try not to get any in your mouth. *** **** *** THE PLAME LEAK IN A NUTSHELL Developments in the Wilsongate or Plamegate scandal -- which the media have saddled with the entirely inappropriate minimizing monicker of Leakgate -- have been trickling through in drabs and dribbles over recent months. Some of the more interesting stories have centered on failed attempts by Scooter Libby's lawyers to get Patrick Fitzgerald kicked off the case, and the fact that Dubya's right-hand man, Karl Rove, played a much larger role in the plot than has previously been disclosed. At this point, it is clear that the White House is almost unfathomably hypocritical when it comes to matters of national security, as they leak lies to advance their hidden agendas while simultaneously hunting down and punishing whistleblowers who do their patriotic duty by offering rare glimpses into this administration's complete disregard for the rule of law. Noice!!! *** **** *** THE KATRINA SITUATION IN A NUTSHELL Oh! The broken promises, the simmering unrest boiling over, the criminal profiteering by insider-connected contractors who have overbilled taxpayers by billions... it's only going to get worse for New Orleans, which is serving as a New World Order showcase city for the Powers That Be, where those citizens who haven't been permanently displaced in one of the greatest ethnic cleansings of modern times continue to suffer the tragic consequences of FEMA's choreographed "incompetence". It makes me sad to think that New Orleans didn't even get a proper jazz funeral to see her off. *** **** *** THE NEW 'BIG BROTHER' IN A NUTSHELL At this point, it should come as no surprise that any citizen desirous of getting involved in the nation's political life should fully expect to be monitored by the Pentagon because of those enthusiasms. With Alberto "Gonzo" Gonzales serving as the public personification of his boss's contempt for the legislative branch, their intentions couldn't be more clear, a fact underlined by their decision to replace outgoing CIA cheif Porter "Whoremonger" Goss with General Michael Hayden, a man whose main qualification appears to be either his lack of familiarity with, or his not giving a shit about, the United States Constitution. On the subject of Goss, now that he's done dismantling the CIA from the inside out on behalf of parties unknonw (ahem), it seems like TPTB will be shifting all international intelligence activities to the Pentagon, which happens to NOT fall under Congressional perview. How conveeenient. *** **** *** ENDLESS WAR IN A NUTSHELL Ever since the Pentagon plans to strike at and/or invade Iran were exposed by investigative journalist Seymour Hersh, representatives of the government have been poo-pooing the idea... just like they did before invading Iraq. And with that cookie crumbling catastrophically, the PTB have been considering increasingly desperate measures to make sure they don't see a repeat. We're talking nuclear desperate, here. And what's worse, they're so excited about the idea that they're planning to boost America's nuclear stockpile after over a decade's scaling back. UK foreign secretary Jack Straw was holding secret talks about a joint military strike on potential nuclear targets in Iran, but he wasn't quite crazy enough to go for the Bush/Blair crowd's intent to use tactical nukes in this assault, so he's been sacked. Small wonder, then, at the pre-emptory abandonment of the United Nations Civil Rights Council. Read this article for a better overall understanding of what lies ahead, if something drastic doesn't happen to divert the course of the Juggernaut, bitch. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 2 On this day in the year 1890, the federal authority creates the territory of Oklahoma, then immediately asks itself: "Why?!" On this day in 1991, Pope John Paul II releases his encyclical on Centesimus Annus. Chaos ensues. On this day in 1997, actor/comedian/soul singing sensation Eddie Murphy is stopped by police after picking up transsexual hooker Atisone Seiuli. Though Seiuli was arrested, Murphy, who claimed he was just giving the tranny a ride "to be nice," was not charged with any crime. Insert stupid Eddie Murphy horse-laugh here.

THEY SAID IT! "I want the government to please, please, listen in on my phone calls. I have nothing to hide. It is also welcome to check my emails and give me a national identification card, which I will be proud to show when asked by people in authority. What's with all you people who need so much privacy?" - Say hello to the New Model Patriot. *** **** *** "If we as a nation are going to be led by dangerous fools, if we are going to allow treason to stand in the highest ranks of government, if we are going to allow our Representatives to get wild with prostitutes and fat wads of cash, if we are going to allow our soldiers to slowly starve in Iraq while getting blasted out of unarmored Humvees during an ill-conceived occupation, the very least we can do is not sound stupid while doing it." - William Rivers Pitt makes another good point.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben! Two retired English officers were sitting in their armchairs in a London club reading their respective papers. "By Jove," said one, looking over the top of The Times, "do you remember old Simmonds during the War? I thought he'd died, but it turns out they've found him after 40 years living up in a tree with a gorilla!" "I say! Male or female gorilla?" "Female of course. Nothing queer about old Simmonds." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Brummbaer for sending in today's second joke. An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Dave on Dope... Doug meets Bill at the bar for their usual after work drink. Bill is sitting there looking somewhat depressed. Doug asks, "What's wrong pal?" Bill replies, "Well, I finally succeeded in talking my girlfriend in to a threesome." "Wow, lucky you. But why the long face?" Doug remarks. Bill sighs and says, "Yeah, well, as the threesome into entered its second hour of hot and heavy action, it dawned on me that I really should have specified that I wanted to be one of the three."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: BBQ SEASON IS UPON US! care of: King Carnivore After the long months of cold and winter, we may have forgotten a few rules of BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine... 1) The woman buys the food. 2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the important part: 4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL! 5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. Important again: 7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. 8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table. 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed re action, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.... - King Carnivore FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey jerky here's my experience with eating the wasabi. my friend and myself were headed towards madison square garden to see dylan and tom petty (not that good a show). we were coming from the woodstock area so it was a 2 hour trip and we had eaten some shrooms. So we get there about 1 1/2 hrs before the show and decide to kill some time by going to the japanese restaurant on 34th st. Being this was a long time ago and i had never eaten sushi we ordered the sushi sampler. i take my chopsticks and pick up this green stuff and fuckin' wham - it's the wasabi (i knew what that was from chips, etc). Flames are shooting out of my mouth like a dragon - i somehow grab the only liquid in sight - the little miniature tea cup. i did recover shortly and go see the concert (sat behind the stage). actually the wasabi memory/story was better than the concert. yop mark [Wasabi chips? Sounds tasty. I'm partial to the dried peas, myself. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky; I've been reading the Dirt for years and have been a huge fan. The Colbert video was hilarious and I think he should probably stay out of small planes for awhile. The Press' refusal to cover it and it's dissapearance of most sites seems to indicate that it hit a nerve. I was able to find it here. I hope the link still works. Your old pal Bob [It's not, but thanks for trying. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerks; Here's the Colbert Performance. It was up as of 5-6-06. MC [The short film is missing, but that should do the trick for now. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Be very afraid... of unstoppable robots! How long before they have their own internal guidance system? Bruce [We have nothing to fear, so long as Chuck Norris still draws breath. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ... I stumbled across a link that has a recipe for Super Festive Sausage Cheese Balls. It looks to be lifted from yours word for word, minus the curse words. Who is this dude, anyway? A friend, plagiarist, or source thereof? Fess up, maaan... YOP, SofaKing (PS - I had some for dinner tonight and they were excellent) [He seems to have lifted the LeBoeuf family recipe, as presented in a number of Christmastime Dirts over the years. He also seems to have lifted my Six Degrees of Abomination editorial. But hey, he may have asked, and I may have forgotten. It happens. - Jerky] *** **** *** Say J The T.O. Boys get a big Taco Bell Starfist Greasy Facial Discharge for claiming they were first with the missing W.H. emails. Maybe so... BUT you had posted the first run BEFORE Rovebot and the moron squad ever began the cover-up and I recall you nailed the 30 minute "gap" the day after it happened just as you pegged the pressure cooker about to blow when Fisty-Frist Anthraxed his office in order to confetti loose ends. yop druid athiest [It's an exhibition, not a competition, so please, no wagering. - Jerky] *** **** *** Target’s workers are paid less than Wal-Mart’s, well below a living wage, and they must go at least three years before any pay raise will be considered. They are given performance goals which fewer than half of one percent achieve. For achieving the goals, typically there is no financial reward, but rather discount coupons for Target purchases and shiny little pins. Target is one of the three largest purchasers of products manufactured by prisoners and children. Target CEO Robert Ulrich makes $23 million per year, which is 1700 times as much as his workers, pre-tax. All employees are shown a video on their first day of work telling them they will be fired if they join a union. Target has been subject to massive protests in Mexico, where it has located 600 new stores and plants, for its use of illegal child labor, worker lockouts, and refusal to pay overtime yet demanding 16 hour days. Target has contributed vast amounts to the campaign of the furthest right corporate toadie presidential candidate, the only one who does not support an increase in the minimum wage to $5 per day. Target has been subject to similar protests in Sri Lanka, Indonesia, India, Guatemala, Bangladesh, The Philippines, Vietnam, and Cambodia. Target encourages its employees to shop only at Target, and monitors their levels of spending, pushing them to shop there more. Target has a massive advertising budget that largely capitalizes on anti-Wal-Mart sentiments, but CorporateWatch just named Target as one of the five worst companies on the planet. Target has been subject to regular racial discrimination suits, and is considered one of the worst places for blacks or immigrants to work. Over 90 percent of all "employee guidance slips" are issued to blacks. Target is so paranoid about employee behavior that its forensics and surveillance technologies are used to instruct the FBI. Target’s average worker makes $7.15 per hour. The average worker at Costco makes $16 per hour. The averaged unionized retail worker makes $15-$17 per hour. Whenever possible, please don’t shop at Target. ACD [I loves me some giant tubs of Costco mayonnaise! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com